Ultimate Tournament
by Ice0nfire
Summary: 32 Smashers fight it out in the ultimate comedic battle tournament! Written by NCIS-Rouse and PSI-Triforce. Complete!
1. Day 1

Written By PSI-Triforce and NCIS-Rouse

Warning: This tournament is for humour. Most battles are won by gaming reasons rather than actual skill.

Anyway, 32 random Smashers decide they want to find out who's the best, so they enter a tournament where they each try to kill each other and see who wins. Matches today:

Pikachu VS Pichu

Luigi VS Mario

Dr Mario VS Diddy Kong

Wario VS Marth

Link VS ROB

Toon Link VS Peach

Zero Suit Samus VS Zelda

Pit VS Ike

Snake VS Meta Knight

Pokemon Trainer VS Lucas

Sonic VS Jigglypuff

Ness VS Kirby

Fox VS Samus

Bowser VS Donkey Kong

Yoshi VS Ice Climbers

Captain Falcon VS Ganondorf

Day 1

Pikachu VS Pichu

Pikachu enters the battle, sees that he's fighting Pichu, and turns to the audience, giving a long speech about how he can't bring himself to hurt one of his Pokemon relatives. Pikachu and Pichu give each other a hug, but when Pikachu's too busy screaming 'Shame on you!' to the audience, Pichu shoves a bob-omb up his ass.

Winner: Pichu!

Luigi VS Mario

Green fireballs own red fireballs. 'Nuff said. And to be honest, does anyone really want Mario to win?

Winner: Luigi

Dr Mario VS Diddy Kong

Diddy Kong is an acrobatic chimp, while Dr Mario is a tubby doctor and cheap rip-off of Mario, so Diddy Kong refuses to take his opponent seriously. When he tries to have a nap in the middle of the fight, Dr Mario pulls out a scalpel, and the audience get scarred for life by the dissection of Diddy.

Winner: Dr Mario

Wario VS Marth

Marth is too emo to notice that the fight has started, so he makes his way to a quiet corner and starts to cry. Wario laughs and approaches, but trips over his fat legs and impales himself on the razor blade Marth was going to cut himself with. Marth is heartbroken, as Wario lands on his 'My Chemical Romance' CDs, crushing them all. Marth cries. Marth wins.

Winner: Marth

Link VS ROB

ROB tries to throw Gyros at Link, who catches one and looks at it. It looks a bit like a CD, and reminds Link of a bad time when he was on a CD Game…

"_Oh boy, I'm so hungry, I could eat an octorok!"_

Slipping into a blood rage, Link is overcome by fury and when he awakens a few minutes later, his opponent is gone and his tunic is covered in Robot blood. Burning the clothes, Link vows never to speak of this (or anything else) ever again.

Winner: Link

Toon Link VS Peach

Toon Link pulls a cheesy grin, and Peach is overcome with warm and fuzzy feelings, exclaiming, "Aw, that's so cute."

She is able to get to "Aw, that's-" before Toon Link runs towards her and stabs her multiple times.

Winner: Toon Link

Zero Suit Samus VS Zelda

This is a tough fight. Zelda's magic going up against the agility and technology of Zero Suit Samus. After thinking about fighting for a few minutes, the girls instead decide to settle their differences over a pillow fight and a bout of mud wrestling, with huge descriptions of their girlish innocence and heaving bosoms faster than you can say "Yuri Lemon"

Winner: The internet!

Pit VS Ike

Ike, seeing Pit's brown hair and free flowing toga, mistakes the angel for a girl and sidles up to him slowly.

"Tell me Pit, did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"

"No, cause I landed on the clouds…"

"You are the only girl I will ever love…"

"I'm not a girl. I'm an angel!"

"Yes, you are an angel, my darling."

Ike starts kissing Pit's arms. Pit backs away and accidentally falls off a cliff, forgetting he has wings. Ike screams at the sky and curses Palutena for crushing his love life once again.

Winner: Ike, but at what cost?!

Snake VS Meta Knight

Snake shoots a grenade at Meta Knight, but it bounces off his mask and does no damage. Snake shoots a gun at Meta Knight, but the bullets bounce off, doing no damage. Snake utilizes a missile launcher, shooting it at Meta Knight, but does no damage. Angrily, Snake kick's Meta Knight. Meta Knight's mask subdues itself to the power of Snake's kick, which was it's only weakness. Meta Knight then dies for undisclosed reasons.

Winner: Snake

Pokemon Trainer VS Lucas

Lucas cowers in a corner while Pokemon Trainer emerges. Deciding not to bother his Pokemon, he beats Lucas to death using his Pokéballs instead.

Winner: Pokemon Trainer

Sonic VS Jigglypuff

Sonic charges a spin dash, while Jigglypuff charges a rollout. As they both head towards each other, they miss completely and fly off the edges of the stage. They both look like complete idiots. However, Jigglypuff is used to looking like an idiot in Smash Bros and doesn't care. Sonic isn't used to the embarrassment and dies of shame.

Winner: Jigglypuff

Ness VS Kirby

Ness shouts "PK PWNAGE!" then remembers that it doesn't actually do anything. Kirby laughs at him, and then dodges every magical attack Ness has until Ness runs out of magic points. Kirby then proceeds to steal all of Ness' baseball bats and yoyos, until Ness is left with nothing. Swallowing Ness, Kirby tries to steal his power, but without his magic and items, Ness has zero power. Kirby's brain tries to divide zero. Kirby's head explodes.

Winner: Ness

Fox VS Samus

Fox gets off to a good start, shooting Samus multiple times and using his agility to dodge her attacks. However, he's distracted when his radio screams Slippy's voice, "Fox, I think I'm in trouble! Help me!" Samus laughs at Fox, having to help out Slippy again. Fox decides to let Slippy get killed, and shoves his radio down Samus' throat while she's laughing.

Winner: Fox

Bowser VS Donkey Kong

Bowser is a giant, fire breathing dinosaur, while Donkey Kong is a monkey. Bowser breathes fire. Donkey Kong throws a banana at him, which does absolutely nothing. Bowser laughs at Donkey Kong's pathetic attempts at hurting him. Donkey Kong throws another banana. Bowser laughs harder. Donkey Kong tries to hit Bowser, but hurts his hand on the spikes on Bowser's back and howls in pain. Bowser laughs so hard, he has a heart attack.

Winner: Donkey Kong

Yoshi VS Ice Climbers

Yoshi quickly creates a mountain of eggs in front of him to keep the Ice Climbers away. However, they succeed in climbing it, as it was the only thing they did in their game, so they're pretty good at it. The Ice Climbers stop and high-five. Yoshi laughs and removes an egg from the bottom of the mountain, sending the Ice Climbers falling down. Yoshi turns to the audience and says "Ain't I a stinker?" before the Ice Climbers accidentally land on him, crushing him.

Winner: Ice Climbers

Captain Falcon VS Ganondorf

Everyone wants Captain Falcon to lose because even though in his games, he's a perfectly nice and friendly chap, who hunts bad guys and saves people, then wins races, in Smash Bros, he's apparently a cocky little moron who keeps bragging about how much he can beat everyone. Captain Falcon shouts "Falcon Punch!"

The Falcon punch is quicker than Ganondorf's weird purple 'UUURGHROAAAAAAAR!' punch. However, Ganondorf decides not to shout 'UUURGHROAAAAAAAR!' while attacking for once. Captain Falcon is taken aback by this approach, and is hit by the punch. However, as he is now the underdog, everyone cheers for him and wants him to win. He shouts "Falcon Punch!" again, and despite Ganondorf being on the other side of the stage, Ganondorf somehow loses. He just does, ok?

Winner: Captain Falcon.

On Day 2:

Ice Climbers VS Donkey Kong

Jigglypuff VS Ness

Marth VS The internet

Pichu VS Dr Mario

Captain Falcon VS Fox

Ike VS Pokemon Trainer

Link VS Snake

Toon Link VS Luigi


	2. Day 2

32 Smashers were here yesterday, but now only 16 remain. 8 more will lose today, but 8 more will remain! Betrayal! Murder! Conspiracies! Ninjas! All this and more, in the Ultimate Battle Tournament!

On Day 2:

Ice Climbers VS Donkey Kong

Jigglypuff VS Ness

Marth VS The internet

Pichu VS Dr Mario

Captain Falcon VS Fox

Ike VS Pokemon Trainer

Link VS Snake

Toon Link VS Luigi

Ice Climbers VS Donkey Kong

Donkey Kong sees the Ice Climbers approaching, so he pulls out his DK Bongos and starts playing a funky jam. Overcome with rhythm, Popo and Nana can't help but dance to the beat for several hours, until they are too exhausted to fight. They lose, but go on to win 'America's Got Talent', and 'Strictly Come Dancing: Video Game Edition', beating hot favourites, Pac-man and Ms Pac-man.

Winner: Donkey Kong

Jigglypuff VS Ness

Ness is walking through some tall grass, when the screen he's on starts the flicker and change to battle.

Wild JIGGLYPUFF appeared.

Go NESS!

JIGGLYPUFF used POUND

It's not very effective

NESS used a hamburger

NESS recovered 15 HP

JIGGLYPUFF used SING

NESS fell asleep

NESS is asleep

JIGGLYPUFF used ROLLOUT

It's super effective!

NESS fainted.

JIGGLYPUFF gained 5374 EXP.

What? JIGGLYPUFF is evolving?

Congratulations! JIGGLYPUFF evolved into WIGGLYTUFF!

After evolving, Jigglypuff was disqualified for changing it's form and could no longer compete.

Winner: Ness

Marth VS The internet

Out of curiosity, Marth decides to search for fanfictions that include his name on a search engine. After seeing that he has been paired with Roy, Ike, and Link, Marth angrily stabs the computer he uses, destroying the computer, but not the internet itself. The internet then proceeds to give Marth a virus, burying him under Facebook requests, YouTube videos, pornographic pictures of him and Roy, and emails offering him Viagra. The internet laughs, and, before Marth dies, Photoshops his face onto the picture of a large anus.

Winner: The internet

Pichu VS Dr Mario

What, these two again? Urgh…

Fight cancelled due to complete and utter lack of interest.

Winner: Mr Game & Watch

Captain Falcon VS Fox

This looks like an even fight. Captain Falcon is quick, powerful, and agile, whereas Fox is fast, strong, and nimble. Fox can shoot lasers, and Captain Falcon has the Falcon punch. However, the battle turns when Fox calls in his ship, the Great Fox, and jumps inside. Captain Falcon laughs and calls in the Blue Falcon, before remembering that his vehicle doesn't have any attacks whatsoever. Fox laughs and destroys the Blue Falcon. Fox wins the fight, but immediately faces a lawsuit from Captain Falcon for destroying his ship. Fox goes bankrupt and flies to another galaxy to avoid being arrested.

Winner: Captain Falcon.

Ike VS Pokemon Trainer

After losing his one true love, Pit, in the first round, Ike throws his sword into the ground and cries, refusing to fight. The sword bounces off the ground and impales Pokemon Trainer. Ike lets out a cheer, but Pokemon Trainer's three distraught Pokemon quickly rip him limb from limb for killing their master.

Winner: Squirtle, Ivysaur, and Charizard.

Link VS Snake

Link walks into the arena, expecting a tough fight, but sees nothing except a suspicious cardboard box. Sitting down, he expects nothing, as Snake pulls out a knife and lays in wait, preparing to jump out and slice off Link's head. However, he is interrupted by a radio call from Mei Ling, who shouts across the radio,

"If you're fighting Link, I think your best chance would be to hide under your cardboard box, wait for him to become unsuspecting, then jump out and stab him!"

Link hears this and pulls off Snake's cardboard box, but immediately drops his sword and becomes intimidated my Snake's fierce facial hair! Snake laughs and taunts Link, but Link quickly picks up the Master Sword again and slashes at Snake's face. When Snake opens his eyes, he finds himself unharmed, but sees his reflection in Link's sword and discovers that Link cut off his stubble. Screaming, "NO! Not my masculinity!" Snake sobs and throws himself on Link's sword.

Miles away, in a mysterious underground base, someone says,

"Snake? Snake?! SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!"

Winner: Link

Toon Link VS Luigi

Toon Link immediately gets off to a good start, smashing Luigi with his various bombs, boomerangs, arrows, and his sword, but just as he's about to deliver the finishing blow, Master Hand taps him on the shoulder and hands him a notice, which states an unwritten rule in every tournament fanfiction. No matter how well a clone character performs, they can't get further than the second round. Toon Link looks disappointed and starts to complain, so Master Hand gives him a bag of a million rupees. Toon Link is overjoyed and leaves, to spend the rest of his life living on a private island with hundreds of bikini-clad slaves desperate to cater to his every need. Meanwhile, everyone else feels jealous that they aren't a clone character, while from a distant island, they hear a woman shouting, "Toon Link, I spilt all of this chocolate sauce over my breasts! However will I get it off?"

Winner: Luigi.

Only 8 contenders remain. Tune in tomorrow to see the quarter finals, semi-finals, and the grand final to determine, who is the ultimate video game character?

On Day 3:

Link VS The internet

Ness VS Mr Game & Watch

Donkey Kong VS Squirtle, Ivysaur and Charizard

Luigi VS Captain Falcon

Plus the semi-finals, and grand final!


	3. Day 3

After 2 days of battling, only eight contestants aren't dead yet. Today, the quarter finals, semi finals, and the grand final, to find out who the ultimate game character is!

On Day 3:

Link VS The internet

Ness VS Mr Game & Watch

Donkey Kong VS Squirtle, Ivysaur and Charizard

Luigi VS Captain Falcon

Link VS The Internet

As Link realises that he cannot fight the entire internet, he challenges them to a one on one fight, and the internet cautiously chooses one of their greatest fighters. He tackles Link over MSN.

Internetboi13: sup

Link: Pardon?

Internetboi13: wtf? sup dawg, wuu2 m8?

Link:… I'm sorry, I don't understand what you're saying.

Internetboi13: yo mom

Link: My mother?

Internetboi13: Yh, she so fat, wen she gets in n elevatr, it HAS 2 go down lol. xD

Link: How dare you!

Internetboi13: ROFLMAO!

Link: I demand you take that back!

Internetboi13: wt u gna do bout it n00b?

Link hacks into the internet and uses it to find the name and address of this moronic child who is unaware of how stupid they sound over the internet. Link tracks them down and kills them, then spits on their corpse shouting "Now who's a n00b?!"

Everyone cheers. A parade is held in Link's honour. Toon Link, who is now called 'Pimp Daddy', and wears a big fur coat, oversized black sunglasses, smokes a cigar, and is never seen without his two 'chief hoes' even comes back to give him an official invite to his island, before leaving because he has a lunchtime appointment with Young Link at the island, where Toon Link wants to show him how a real man makes 'Lon Lon Milk'.

Winner: Link

Ness VS Mr Game & Watch

As he took no part in this tournament up until now, Mr Game & Watch is confused as to what he is doing when he appears before Ness. Ness attacks him with a baseball bat, but it is sliced in half. Mr Game & Watch realises that as he is 2-D, he is not only ridiculously hard to see if you're fighting him, but he also has incredibly sharp edges. He tests this out by running at Ness, going straight through him, and cutting off one of his arms and one of his legs. Ness cries out in pain, while Mr Game & Watch laughs, before realising that if he was as sharp as a witty razor, he would fall through everything. As he finishes realising this, he falls through the arena and spends the rest of eternity falling through various worlds, and he leaves Ness wondering how he's made it to the semi-finals now, despite being owned by Kirby, Jigglypuff, and now Mr Game & Watch. Oh well.

Winner: Ness

Donkey Kong VS Squirtle, Ivysaur and Charizard

Donkey Kong grabs Squirtle and throws him down Charizard's throat, not only choking Charizard, but also making Squirtle get crushed by his huge jaws. Donkey Kong relaxes and eats a banana. Ivysaur sees the banana, and recognises it…

_Ivysaur was walking down the street one happy day, before it was captured. Suddenly, out of the corner of it's eye, it saw another plant, similar to it. Shyly walking up to the plant, Ivysaur rubbed against it, and let out a small roar, which was it's way of telling the tree that it really liked her. The plant remained stationary, but dropped a banana on it's head. Ivysaur saw the banana as confirmation that she loved it back, and spent the rest of the afternoon serenading the banana tree with love songs._

_The next day, a cheery Ivysaur made it's way back to the park to spend another day with it's true love, only to hear a deafening roar. The roar, of a wood-chipper. Rushing to the side of it's love, Ivysaur saw that all that remained was a few old branches. Leaning back, Ivysaur screamed into the sky, "Why must one lose one's innocence when they fall in love?! WHY??" As Ivysaur wept, another banana fell out of nowhere and landed on it. Taking it as a sign, Ivysaur lamented the loss of it's true love, but realised that it's angel was speaking to it from beyond the grave. Hugging the banana as hard as it could, Ivysaur vowed to never forget the day it fell in love for the first and last time._

Snapping out of it's memories, Ivysaur was in a rage. However, by now, Donkey Kong had finished his banana, and had already decapitated Ivysaur with a pair of garden shears that he found who-knows-where. But, as Ivysaur felt itself leaving this world, it closed it's eyes. When it opened them, it was floating through the clouds of heaven with a familiar tree…

"Oh, my beloved banana tree! Oh, I missed you so! Let us not talk, my sweet, for we shall spend the rest of eternity together!"

The banana tree leaned closer to Ivysaur and whispered, "I'm sorry Ivysaur, but I although I love you dearly, I have a confession. I… am a male banana tree."

"But my precious," whispered Ivysaur back, "I am a female Ivysaur! I have known you were male, but I didn't care, ever since I looked at your remains from the wood-chipper, packed into a bag of sawdust, and I noticed you were labelled with, 'May contain traces of nuts'. I have known, but I am far from caring."

"Oh Ivysaur, I love you with all of my heart!"

"I love you too!" Ivysaur replied, holding back the tears in her eyes. The two could no longer contain their emotions, as they leaned into a hug sharing the love they felt that would continue for all eternity.

Meanwhile, Charizard and Squirtle were watching all this from a nearby cloud, which they had been floating on.

"What the hell's up with them?" asked Squirtle.

"I dunno…" muttered Charizard, before turning to Squirtle and sighing, "Female Pokémon…"

Winner: Donkey Kong (But weren't they all winners here, really?)

Luigi VS Captain Falcon

Captain Falcon wasted no time in starting to beat up Luigi. He tossed him up into the air before jumping up and using his muscle-bound knee to knock Luigi in the stomach. Luigi got up just in time to be knocked down again by a Falcon Kick, and when he tried to get back up, he was flattened by a well placed Falcon Punch. He looked doomed, until suddenly, a postman arrived in the middle of the fight and said "I have a letter for a Mr Douglas Falcon…"

Captain Falcon forgot all about the fight and eagerly opened the letter, reading it out loud.

'Dear Mr Falcon, we are sorry to inform you that your application to Toon Link aka Pimp Daddy's island resort has been rejected. On question 74 of your application, when asked how many women you could handle, you said 'As many as I could have', which was wrong. The correct answer, and the motto of Pimp Daddy himself is 'Take as many as you can have, then add a few more.' Thus, you will not be granted entry to his island. Have a nice day."

Captain Falcon but the letter down sadly, only to see that while he had been reading it, Luigi had been charging up his 'Green missile' attack. He usually didn't like to use it, as it honestly made it look like he was using flatulence to move, but desperate times called for desperate measures. He flies at Captain Falcon, knocking him out of the competition.

Winner: Luigi.

The Semi-Finals

Link VS Luigi

Ness VS Donkey Kong

Link starts to fight Luigi well, using the Master sword to hit him, and even slice his hat in half. Seeing the demise of his hat, Luigi is enraged, and is suddenly in control of the match when a Smash Ball appears. Grabbing the Smash Ball, Luigi does his final smash, plunging Link into the negative zone. While Link is too confused to realise what's going on, Luigi steals all of his things! When Link recovers, Luigi laughs and fires some of Link's arrows and bombs at him. However, the tables turn when Luigi tries to use the double-hookshots Link found in Twilight Princess. He accidentally aims them at two different things when he messes with the buttons on them, and he is dragged towards both of them, ripping him apart just after he has time to say a final, "Mamma Mia!"

Winner: Link

Ness faces Donkey Kong, both of them desperate to win their fight. However, just before they start fighting, the spirit of Ivysaur appears before them both, floating mysteriously, and it speaks a message for Ness.

"_Ness, I have spoken with the almighty banana tree, and I have seen the way to overcome any enemy. You need the King Banana, found in the monkey caves of Dusty Dunes desert in your hometown of Eagleland."_

Ness racked his brains and remembered the King Banana from Earthbound. It was one of those stupid items in RPGs that you get, then trade like, 2 minutes later for something better in one of those trading sequences. If Ness remembered correctly, he gave it to a monkey in exchange for a pendant of some kind. When Ness and Donkey Kong realised that he no longer had the banana, Donkey Kong started laughing so hard, he didn't notice that Ness just kicked him off a cliff instead of luring him away with an elusive banana.

Winner: Ness

The Final Battle

Link and Ness stood opposite each other, ready to tear each other apart to claim victory, when suddenly, Ness spoke up.

"Why are we actually fighting? I mean, shouldn't we be angry that we had to kill loads of our friends to get this far?"

Link realised Ness was right. All this time, their real enemies had been right under their noses. Shaking hands, Ness and Link set off on an epic journey that took them 15 minutes. Then, they arrived at the house of PSI-Triforce and NCIS-Rouse. Blasting down the door, they immediately killed PSI-Triforce and, as NCIS-Rouse looked up, he had just enough time to swear before he was also killed.

Ness and Link went on to win the tournament, and gained the reward of a lifetime pass to Toon Link's island. Most of the losers were also revived, and they all lived happily ever after on Toon Link's island.

"Now look what you've done, you got us both killed!" screamed NCIS-Rouse at PSI-Triforce, as they were both floating through clouds.

"Look on the bright side, at least now we have enough time to write another fanfiction!" PSI-Triforce responded.

NCIS-Rouse then tried to choke himself with his halo, but it didn't work.

This continued until both authors fell silent as they floated past the spirit of Ivysaur, who was holding a guitar in his paws, had a rose in his mouth, and was singing "And IIIIIIIIII… will always love, YOUUUU!" to a banana tree.

Both of the authors sighed, looked towards each other, and muttered "Female Pokémon…"

WINNERS OF THE TOURNAMENT, AND SUPREME VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS: Link and Ness! Yay!

Fin


End file.
